The Replacements

“Well hello there , I am Bluebell , a beautiful Korat with velvet like fur and this is Scooty , a big nasty hairy fluff ball . We are back to our weekly installment presenting the misadventures of our human slave , Sparky the Jackass that we will hereafter refer to as Jack . The … ”

“Our lawyers called us after the last episode and informed us that Sparky was a bad nom de guerre due to some boring legal concerns . I am of the opinion that it  clue people in to the fact that he is in fact a firebug , likes to light candles all over the house and in one dreadful incident , my tail actually caught fire when I was jumping up to the window to exchange some gossip with the neighborhood squirrel . I think Jack panicked more than I did but nevertheless folks , the habit of lighting candles is an annoying one and does lead me to conclude that he is indeed a firebug” , interrupted Scooty a little excitedly .

Bluebell glares at him for a full minute , her eyes are mottled with rage but with an enormous effort that is evident to all she continues tightly.

“The problem for our discerning readers is that even though Jack is a blundering idiot and there is no dearth of misadventures around him , for example he likes to clip our claws . How idiotic is that? God in her infinite wisdom meant for us to have sharp claws and then we have idiots like Jack brandishing their claw clippers chasing us around . And all this because we scratch the furniture. I ask you why would anybody buy furniture if not to sharpen claws. So as you can tell, we have our job cut out for us. It has been hard to find truly entertaining ones for our discerning readers , so instead we decided to enlighten you about the abuse that we had to endure in the past , maybe you could call up the ASPCA and have us rescued  .
The ungrateful SOB , after all the time that I laid on his lap or slept on top of him, he actually abandoned us , just because his woman insisted that we belonged to the kids. RIDICULOUS!!! She always claimed that she was allergic to us , a likely story if you ask me , I always found her to be a distasteful woman ,  never cared for us, never fed us , never cleaned the litter or even opened the door to let us out and play when Jack was not around . The blasted room was not even heated except for a miserable ceramic heater, for those of you who dont know, the Ohio winters are not particularly pleasant . Scooty is fine , he is  a big nasty hairy furball from Maine but me , my folks were immigrants from warm sunny beautiful Thailand. I am a short hair as god in her infinite wisdom meant me to be. That frigid room was no place for a self respecting animal , let alone a cat to live in  . It was not until several years later that Jack riddled with guilt would buy us a fancy heater for the room .But coming back to our story,  Jack knew all of that but he just caved in as soon as she mentioned the kids .As I said before Jack has no common sense.” finished Bluebell with a flourish .

Scooty yawns , he really hates Bluebell taking the limelight and he suddenly remembers something

“You know , I begged him to take me along but instead of taking me ,he asks her and she just tells him that even I don’t want him to go  because I was meowing , as though she has morphed into Dr Dolittle overnight !!! . She informed him that we belonged to the kids and he was not taking us anywhere. I could care less about him staying or leaving . I just wanted to make sure that he did not abandon me with her”

“You never told me that before . Suck up!!!, Bluebell was a little annoyed , the thought of being stuck there without Scooty or Jack was a scary one.

Bluebell muses about those horrid days “And Do you remember that she did not put any of that flea medication on us and we were riddled with fleas . ”

Scooty looked distant and annoyed “Yes, it just meant that we were banished into the dungeon forever.We were truly prisoner kitties. Whoever heard of such abuse . We were locked up in the room all the time , the litter was not cleaned , water fountain developed a slime , she even changed our food to some cheap crap”

“And he never visited us !!! She made some silly rules about him not coming to the house and he just stopped coming . Cold!!! just cold!!” , Scooty and Bluebell reflect gloomily on the inconsistencies and utter unreliability of  Jack.

“Unbeknownst to us , he went and got himself a brand new kitten called Gabster simply because he was alone , as if that is a good enough reason .RESIZED_0728121744a RESIZED_0728121636a

and within a couple of weeks , he got himself a second kitten, TiggerRESIZED_0811121515a RESIZED_0812120819c

. You just could not turn your back on him . We  were gone for a few weeks and he has already replaced us with newer younger trophy kitties. Just disgraceful !!! No loyalty whatsoever , whatever happened to till death do us apart!!! ” , continued Bluebell passionately and getting more animated.

“We were fortunate though that his woman finally came to her senses and realized she could not take care of us . Though it was touch and go there for a while, I was certain that she maliciously would have us taken to the hitmen before she would let us go back to Jack”, mused Bluebell at the close call .

She paused as though gasping for breath and Scooty jumps in

“These two horrid little kittens were a pain in the rear, their overabundant and unusually high energy meant that they would insist on bothering us constantly. I had to actually take up Tai chi Zhuazi (Tai Chi Chuan for cats) to stand my ground against them . Here are a couple of dramatic poses” , reminisced Scooty

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“Worse they even took up all our favorite spots , the pet warmer(laptop!!) was taken up so was the hard bed that Jack likes to call his table and the absolute favorite of all cats around the world , the bath mat. It is the only opportunity to trip up our tyrannical owners as they steps out of the shower “RESIZED_0729121014a RESIZED_0805121935b RESIZED_Kitties 087RESIZED_0812120844b

“It got so bad that we could not even watch our favorite show ‘The Whirlpool of death’ anymore without being interrupted  , I could not even get space to get my paws up to watch and I really love to watch it. Sometimes that is my favorite part of the day after eating , sleeping and gossiping with the neighborhood squirrels . ” , now Scooty was getting animated.

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Bluebell chuckles “In one sense I was luckier than Scooty. Since I was the only female , I got all the attention . But I was forced to start some meditation and yoga , specifically Sherasana , a long obscure branch of yoga specific to cats, to channel their inner tiger .  I had to , living in a house with 4 males , one human and 3 felines !!!! Some of you might think it is heaven , believe me !! It ain’t. Males have a long way to go before they can be admitted to respectable society  “Bluebell pauses thoughtfully , “It did help me tremendously though , I stopped hating and started loving”

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Introducing our human slave

“Hello there , let me introduce myself  ;I am Scooty ,The gorgeous Maine Coon a gorgeous Maine Coon , look at my “doe eyes” don’t you think that I make a much better Puss n Boots than the silly tabby that they chose for the role.” , Scooty wondered about the general unfairness of life which had placed him as a pet here instead of being in the household of some Hollywood producer who could have done justice to his god given good looks. Bluebell kicks him and he continues , a trifle annoyed ” and this is Bluebell, a plain looking Korata plain looking Korat .   In case you are wondering , I am a native American, she is an immigrant from Thailand, only been here for 6 generations . My folks came from Maine which would explain my name and my gorgeous fur . But enough about us , time to introduce you to the main character in our series of comedies , our human slave , Sparky aka The Jack ass that we will hereafter refer to as Jack .Jack supposedly works as a programmer and harbors delusions of grandeur regarding his abilities at writing , cooking , cleaning and programming skills , personally he fits in among programmers like this

He keeps poring over his laptops , he has two of those shiny silver ones , one for me and one for her is how I view it but he is not very bright as I have already mentioned so he insists on bothering me when I am perched in comfort and poke at those keys, I have never seen any food come out of it so pointless and useless if you ask me . Personally I am convinced that the best use of those laptops is to warm my tail on cold winter nights Frascals (1).  That was me as a kitten ,am I gorgeous or am I gorgeous? I am so cute that Jack probably wishes that I am his baby. PICT014So as you can already tell Jack has no common sense whatsoever although I concede he does have a heart of gold .”

“You say that, because he is partial to you and oh yeah , you forgot to add that he does have ‘sucker’ printed on his forehead” , snapped Bluebell , not appreciating the “plain looking” adjective and annoyed at Scooty’s inability to focus on the job at hand.

“Oh yeah , I do think he has sucker printed on his forehead. For women anyway . He actually kissed this stinky fish because she was named Rose” . Aaaw look at that , Jack and Rose !!! Just like the Titanic!!! a doomed romance!!

Somebody needs to tell him to date only within his species!!!”

Scooty shook his head in disgust , “One thing to kiss a cat but a fish!!!”

“It is a dolphin , you dumb idiot!!!” , interrupted Bluebell , who was actually fairly educated before she ended up with Jack and Scooty. She had an especially high degree of contempt for Scooty with regard to his ignorance and his low beginnings from the American south whereas she had been a professor’s pet prior to coming to Jack. None of this was lost on Scooty who was extremely sensitive regarding his roots (or lack there of).

“Now please let me talk and don’t interrupt me, otherwise I will wrestle you to the ground and kick your head in ” , bristled Scooty

“I would like to see you try”, responded Bluebell

“Exasperating!!! females , can’t live with them, can’t live without them” , meowed Scooty mournfully

“We, females have no such problems. We are perfectly fine without males ” , hissed Bluebell

” They do say attached males live longer , perhaps it may just seem longer!! ” sighed Scooty

“Right , are we forgetting why we started this little documentary”, crooned Bluebell who knew she had won.

“Yes” , grumbled Scooty and coughed up a furball .

“You would not believe what he did just the other night , he actually bought this woman home that anybody within a million miles could see that he had no desire or interest for her, why would he do that” , Scooty was getting animated

“You males are all the same , I can tell you why ” , drawled Bluebell

“For god’s sake , please shut up , let me finish talking”

“Because of the one thing that is always topmost on your minds! even an idiot like you should be able to see that. ”   hissed Bluebell this time

“I wish that they had hitmen among cats and I could hire one . ” Scooty sighed again

“We do have hitmen for cats , remember ? They are called vets ” snapped Bluebell . “I also seem to remember how terrified you are of them, you could not stop meowing and wishing for Jack” continued Bluebell

“As though you are the catification of bravery, you were so stressed that you shed enough fur to procure a new coat of hair for Jack’s car. He had to go back and get it detailed ” , retorted Scooty unhappily remembering his own painful torture at the hands of these terrorists, he had been prodded ,had a glass tube shoved up his holiest of holies to measure his temperature , stabbed  with beastly devices called injections and worse they insisted on fasting so no food . Painful memories!!!

“Must have been some beastly cat karma to have been born as a pet. We get abandoned in this god forsaken place that when he leaves every day . These humans call it work, I am still trying to figure it out . If he is so hard up , why not find a master who can feed him . Might also shed some light for him on how badly he treats us  . He comes home and thinks he can feed us and then eat in peace . For god’s sake , we have been alone for 12 hours. We need some pampering and loving , but he seems to look askance when we demand it while he is eating his food . Surely he can wait to eat until he has finished petting us

It is CAT neglect and abuse , the man needs to be carted off to jail and locked up and then the keys to the cell thrown away!!! ” , Scooty gloomily pondered his dreadful fate.  Bluebell kicks him in the rear and he wakes up with a start “So anyway yesterday he brings a woman that he could not even bring himself to kiss  so I ask why bother bringing her home . So we ” …

“WE!!! ” , interrupted Bluebell . “It was my brainchild”

“Yes , Bluebell had this brilliant epiphany that we needed to document his misadventures  and then we could sell it and have enough money to move into that fancy cat hotel that they have in New Jersey .Once we have our royalties , we are so out of here” , continued Scooty smoothly .

“Thats all for today, folks ” , concluded Scooty sleepily and walked into the bedroom where he was going to take his mid afternoon nap.

This time Bluebell checks and makes sure that the coast is clear and lets us in on a secret

“Scooty is the face but I am the brains of the organization, the feline with the plan” , proudly stated Bluebell . ” The female with the plan though truth be told  , when was the last time that we had a male with a plan. Maybe Hitler and look at where it got them!! ” , she dryly mused and paused as though searching for better exceptions. She suddenly realizes she was in the midst of a conversation so continues ,    “If Jack finds out that we are poking fun at his so called life pursuits  and he finds out that Scooty was poking fun at him all along, he might just blow his top and decide that Scooty needs a one way ticket to Cat Heaven or the Humane society (which might as well be the same thing ) . But on the other hand if this plan truly works out , me and Scooty would be off to the fancy pants Kitty motel . I heard that they even have spas and masseuses and liver and kidney pie , they have different varieties of fish every day, I might even get lucky and get a taste of dolphin . This silly human tendency to overtly revere intelligence causes them to anthropomorphize Dolphins and go all overboard about Dolphin safe tuna and other such nonsense. It just deprives us kitties of variety in protein sources . If intelligence was so important then they should have stopped eating pigs as well.  But what do I care, I love bacon . Maybe I could get dolphin wrapped in bacon …  aaaah , that would be the life ” , purred Bluebell contentedly