When I was younger and prowled the bars , a frequent experience would be that beautiful young girls would approach me and ask me if I had a green card . Lame as the excuse sounds , it never occurred to me to say “yes , I do!!!!” After my regretful negative answer, they would lose all interest in me and no amount of antics from me later would entice them to even cast a sideways glance. I have never been able to distinguish Eastern European accents very well , so I always assumed that they are from Russia .
These days , I am convinced that they have dedicated a poster board or something on those lines because I seem to be getting a lot of queries from around there . The vast majority seem to follow the same pattern , they are all orphans. They are looking for the man of their dreams that they can trust , they can garden , cook , do a few martial arts , ballet and love to snuggle. In short!!! I think I am a worthy candidate to replace the Most Interesting man in the world who does the Dos Equis commercials, what do you think ?
Not that I am shy about highlighting my various achievements , I have eaten a dozen ribs in a single sitting , downed a liter of rum/vodka/scotch in one sitting (at different times ) , probably an worldwide Olympic champion for watching True Detective season 1 , Two and half men (Charlie Sheen episodes) and Yes Minister/Prime Minister reruns and last but not least my two cats think I am the shit!! Before somebody raises questions about my Doolittle abilities , I have irrefutable proof . Every evening when I get home , they greet me eagerly at the door and shower me with constant attention till I get a fresh can of food and dump into their gleaming food bowls. My infallible sense of logic leads me to attribute all that to my animal magnetism .
Coming back to these girls ,I have been quite the good Samaritan for these poor worthy and talented girls . I am convinced that a lot of their issues stem from low self esteem so I try to prop their self esteem by praising their natural beauty (they are extremely beautiful so I am not lying) , I praise their various activities which seem rather extravagant considering that they always seem to be so poor , I imagine that their low self esteem in largely in part due to the fact that Russian men are crude and completely unable to appreciate their women . In my mind this would be the only reason for them to solicit men online with marriage proposals .
Invariably these women seem to have their spirits perk up (in no small part to my efforts) and they seem to be well on on their way to making me a fine wife . They are enthusiastic about cooking , cleaning , listening to my rants about the political candidates, they like to tell me about Raj Kapoor movies which seems to be a staple in Russia , some even claimed to read my blogs !!! I stopped quizzing them after one informed me that Achilles and Hector were playboys . After much confusion and interrogation , I learnt that playboys meant boys who play together. But on my part , I spare no effort myself and when they seem unable to pay their ballet fees or feed their family of 23 brothers and 46 sisters , I happily send them money and they are always grateful .But I have come to recognize a pattern here , after about 6 months of online pre-marital bliss , they either seem to become nurses in Africa or nuns in the Eastern Orthodox church with one exception who decided to move to Antarctica because she liked penguins . Telling her that the San Francisco and Oakland Zoos have penguins too did nothing to dissuade her . I must have some kind of Midas touch to inspire piety in these poor women and while deeply disappointing , it is a bitter sweet victory . Oops , gotta go , got an email from another pretty 22 year old Russian girl interested in marrying only mature men.
Disclaimer : I am poking fun at scammers but fraud is no laughing matter , a few years ago a 83 year old woman in Millersburg, OH was taken to the tune of $43,000 through a mail scam known in popular parlance as the Nigerian 419 Scam. I don’t know her financial status but odds are that she could not afford to lose $43,000 at her age. I used to attend security seminars in Washington DC several years ago and statistics prove that cyber crime is second only to drugs in terms of profitability