Going Green

No , I am not green with envy or getting nauseous or queasy or covering myself with leaves …. though not knowing the difference between poison oak and maple, I foresee myself getting into all kinds of itchy trouble .But case in point , I am all excited about the green movement, about time we all shed our clothes and go back to covering ourselves with leaves and live in caves or the other extreme where we arrive into the world of the Jetsons. My ideas have not clearly formed yet as to the final destination with the whole green movement but I am all for it and I send my regular donations to the various conservation agencies to assuage my guilt for driving my car , using up enormous amounts of energy for my computer and whats not and generally having a carbon footprint the size of the abominable snowman or Sasquatch .

I even painted my car green and sent a letter to the IRS demanding a rebate for green cars but I am still waiting for a response but when I sent a letter to the DMV asking for the access stickers which will allow me to drive in the car pool lanes, they sent a psychiatrist instead who insisted on making me look at black splotches on paper. I wanted to impress the dude so I told him those were green splotches , he did not seem amused or impressed  , sadly. Some people are just so hard to please!!!

I made my customary quarterly trip to Costco and I found myself standing in front of a pallet full of cans of Australian Abalone . I don’t have the first damned clue what Abalone is but I put it in my cart because it looked like a fruit but wonders of modern technology came to my rescue and I increased my carbon footprint as I Googled on my iPhone and found out that they are water snails . I have eaten Escargot (which is a fancy french word for regular land snails not fancy water snails ) in Toronto and Shanghai (in French restaurants) and really liked it . As I read further , I find out that Australian abalone apparently are being threatened with extinction . I look  at the huge pallet in front of me , full of cans of Australian abalone and all I can think to myself is small wonder that they are going extinct. So now I am on the horns of dilemma , should I contribute to the speedy extinction of a species or do I pass up the chance to eat a species that could possibly go extinct thereby depriving me forever of the pleasure of eating an extinct species . Tricky!!! Tricky!!!

Another green solution that I was very much in support of is nuclear energy . In spite of reading about the Chernobyl disaster (which I wrote off to communist apathy) , I have always been gung ho about nuclear energy and looked forward to the day when I would be able to drive my nuclear powered car (or hover-car which would float at will and thereby allow one to bypass traffic jams) which would presumably run on one piece of uranium or plutonium or some other unpronounceable “ium”  for 10000 miles.  Nuclear energy is clean , efficient , no carbon footprint and relatively safe . I add the adjective `relatively` in light of the Fukushima disaster . Now I suppose we would have 3 eyed fish that glow in the dark so perhaps not so good except for people who like eating fish eyeball soup in the dark. But I stay optimistic

In some cases , I am not even sure that I understand the rationale of the Green thinkers . A case in point in Niagara Falls  , probably one of the most breath taking places that I have ever been to if not the most. There are two Niagara Falls , one  on the Canadian side and the other on the American side of the Falls . The American side is a state park , they have tried very hard to keep it pristine and natural and while it is extremely beautiful , most people don’t stay there because even a roach motel in Niagara Falls on the American side will cost you an arm and a leg and a kidney if you have one to spare and they all seem to be located in BFE . Parking arrangements close to the falls is always a nightmare  . So one goes over to the Canadian side which is heavily commercialized and one will bemoan the death and destruction of natural beauty but everybody(including the Green warriors) falls over themselves to book themselves into the Embassy Suites or the Marriott or the Sheraton which overlooks the falls so as to give one a spectacular view as soon as one hops out of bed . Add to that the fact that nature itself provides one with a much better view of all three of the falls from the Canadian side and everybody , green and non green make a beeline (lasting several hours with cars running idle) for the border.

This last incident is not so much a green as much as a conservation issue, though the two have intertwined in my head inextricably. The drought in California is so much on my mind that I have started advocating that people stop showering and buy perfume instead but alas that is tantamount to spraying Febreze on fish. Presumably the fish don’t like it as much either .  Or we could take a lesson from cats and try licking ourselves clean but after watching my cats very carefully , I have come to the conclusion that evolution has made that impossible . Now after watching all these socially irresponsible people shrink away from me on public transports , I have decided to forego my ‘green’ initiative and assuage my guilt the traditional way by sending a check to the WWF and The Nature Conservancy.