The Replacements

“Well hello there , I am Bluebell , a beautiful Korat with velvet like fur and this is Scooty , a big nasty hairy fluff ball . We are back to our weekly installment presenting the misadventures of our human slave , Sparky the Jackass that we will hereafter refer to as Jack . The … ”

“Our lawyers called us after the last episode and informed us that Sparky was a bad nom de guerre due to some boring legal concerns . I am of the opinion that it  clue people in to the fact that he is in fact a firebug , likes to light candles all over the house and in one dreadful incident , my tail actually caught fire when I was jumping up to the window to exchange some gossip with the neighborhood squirrel . I think Jack panicked more than I did but nevertheless folks , the habit of lighting candles is an annoying one and does lead me to conclude that he is indeed a firebug” , interrupted Scooty a little excitedly .

Bluebell glares at him for a full minute , her eyes are mottled with rage but with an enormous effort that is evident to all she continues tightly.

“The problem for our discerning readers is that even though Jack is a blundering idiot and there is no dearth of misadventures around him , for example he likes to clip our claws . How idiotic is that? God in her infinite wisdom meant for us to have sharp claws and then we have idiots like Jack brandishing their claw clippers chasing us around . And all this because we scratch the furniture. I ask you why would anybody buy furniture if not to sharpen claws. So as you can tell, we have our job cut out for us. It has been hard to find truly entertaining ones for our discerning readers , so instead we decided to enlighten you about the abuse that we had to endure in the past , maybe you could call up the ASPCA and have us rescued  .
The ungrateful SOB , after all the time that I laid on his lap or slept on top of him, he actually abandoned us , just because his woman insisted that we belonged to the kids. RIDICULOUS!!! She always claimed that she was allergic to us , a likely story if you ask me , I always found her to be a distasteful woman ,  never cared for us, never fed us , never cleaned the litter or even opened the door to let us out and play when Jack was not around . The blasted room was not even heated except for a miserable ceramic heater, for those of you who dont know, the Ohio winters are not particularly pleasant . Scooty is fine , he is  a big nasty hairy furball from Maine but me , my folks were immigrants from warm sunny beautiful Thailand. I am a short hair as god in her infinite wisdom meant me to be. That frigid room was no place for a self respecting animal , let alone a cat to live in  . It was not until several years later that Jack riddled with guilt would buy us a fancy heater for the room .But coming back to our story,  Jack knew all of that but he just caved in as soon as she mentioned the kids .As I said before Jack has no common sense.” finished Bluebell with a flourish .

Scooty yawns , he really hates Bluebell taking the limelight and he suddenly remembers something

“You know , I begged him to take me along but instead of taking me ,he asks her and she just tells him that even I don’t want him to go  because I was meowing , as though she has morphed into Dr Dolittle overnight !!! . She informed him that we belonged to the kids and he was not taking us anywhere. I could care less about him staying or leaving . I just wanted to make sure that he did not abandon me with her”

“You never told me that before . Suck up!!!, Bluebell was a little annoyed , the thought of being stuck there without Scooty or Jack was a scary one.

Bluebell muses about those horrid days “And Do you remember that she did not put any of that flea medication on us and we were riddled with fleas . ”

Scooty looked distant and annoyed “Yes, it just meant that we were banished into the dungeon forever.We were truly prisoner kitties. Whoever heard of such abuse . We were locked up in the room all the time , the litter was not cleaned , water fountain developed a slime , she even changed our food to some cheap crap”

“And he never visited us !!! She made some silly rules about him not coming to the house and he just stopped coming . Cold!!! just cold!!” , Scooty and Bluebell reflect gloomily on the inconsistencies and utter unreliability of  Jack.

“Unbeknownst to us , he went and got himself a brand new kitten called Gabster simply because he was alone , as if that is a good enough reason .RESIZED_0728121744a RESIZED_0728121636a

and within a couple of weeks , he got himself a second kitten, TiggerRESIZED_0811121515a RESIZED_0812120819c

. You just could not turn your back on him . We  were gone for a few weeks and he has already replaced us with newer younger trophy kitties. Just disgraceful !!! No loyalty whatsoever , whatever happened to till death do us apart!!! ” , continued Bluebell passionately and getting more animated.

“We were fortunate though that his woman finally came to her senses and realized she could not take care of us . Though it was touch and go there for a while, I was certain that she maliciously would have us taken to the hitmen before she would let us go back to Jack”, mused Bluebell at the close call .

She paused as though gasping for breath and Scooty jumps in

“These two horrid little kittens were a pain in the rear, their overabundant and unusually high energy meant that they would insist on bothering us constantly. I had to actually take up Tai chi Zhuazi (Tai Chi Chuan for cats) to stand my ground against them . Here are a couple of dramatic poses” , reminisced Scooty

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“Worse they even took up all our favorite spots , the pet warmer(laptop!!) was taken up so was the hard bed that Jack likes to call his table and the absolute favorite of all cats around the world , the bath mat. It is the only opportunity to trip up our tyrannical owners as they steps out of the shower “RESIZED_0729121014a RESIZED_0805121935b RESIZED_Kitties 087RESIZED_0812120844b

“It got so bad that we could not even watch our favorite show ‘The Whirlpool of death’ anymore without being interrupted  , I could not even get space to get my paws up to watch and I really love to watch it. Sometimes that is my favorite part of the day after eating , sleeping and gossiping with the neighborhood squirrels . ” , now Scooty was getting animated.

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Bluebell chuckles “In one sense I was luckier than Scooty. Since I was the only female , I got all the attention . But I was forced to start some meditation and yoga , specifically Sherasana , a long obscure branch of yoga specific to cats, to channel their inner tiger .  I had to , living in a house with 4 males , one human and 3 felines !!!! Some of you might think it is heaven , believe me !! It ain’t. Males have a long way to go before they can be admitted to respectable society  “Bluebell pauses thoughtfully , “It did help me tremendously though , I stopped hating and started loving”

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