“Hello there , let me introduce myself ;I am Scooty , a gorgeous Maine Coon , look at my “doe eyes” don’t you think that I make a much better Puss n Boots than the silly tabby that they chose for the role.” , Scooty wondered about the general unfairness of life which had placed him as a pet here instead of being in the household of some Hollywood producer who could have done justice to his god given good looks. Bluebell kicks him and he continues , a trifle annoyed ” and this is Bluebell, a plain looking Korat . In case you are wondering , I am a native American, she is an immigrant from Thailand, only been here for 6 generations . My folks came from Maine which would explain my name and my gorgeous fur . But enough about us , time to introduce you to the main character in our series of comedies , our human slave , Sparky aka The Jack ass that we will hereafter refer to as Jack .Jack supposedly works as a programmer and harbors delusions of grandeur regarding his abilities at writing , cooking , cleaning and programming skills , personally he fits in among programmers like this
He keeps poring over his laptops , he has two of those shiny silver ones , one for me and one for her is how I view it but he is not very bright as I have already mentioned so he insists on bothering me when I am perched in comfort and poke at those keys, I have never seen any food come out of it so pointless and useless if you ask me . Personally I am convinced that the best use of those laptops is to warm my tail on cold winter nights . That was me as a kitten ,am I gorgeous or am I gorgeous? I am so cute that Jack probably wishes that I am his baby. So as you can already tell Jack has no common sense whatsoever although I concede he does have a heart of gold .”
“You say that, because he is partial to you and oh yeah , you forgot to add that he does have ‘sucker’ printed on his forehead” , snapped Bluebell , not appreciating the “plain looking” adjective and annoyed at Scooty’s inability to focus on the job at hand.
“Oh yeah , I do think he has sucker printed on his forehead. For women anyway . He actually kissed this stinky fish because she was named Rose” . Aaaw look at that , Jack and Rose !!! Just like the Titanic!!! a doomed romance!!
Somebody needs to tell him to date only within his species!!!”
Scooty shook his head in disgust , “One thing to kiss a cat but a fish!!!”
“It is a dolphin , you dumb idiot!!!” , interrupted Bluebell , who was actually fairly educated before she ended up with Jack and Scooty. She had an especially high degree of contempt for Scooty with regard to his ignorance and his low beginnings from the American south whereas she had been a professor’s pet prior to coming to Jack. None of this was lost on Scooty who was extremely sensitive regarding his roots (or lack there of).
“Now please let me talk and don’t interrupt me, otherwise I will wrestle you to the ground and kick your head in ” , bristled Scooty
“I would like to see you try”, responded Bluebell
“Exasperating!!! females , can’t live with them, can’t live without them” , meowed Scooty mournfully
“We, females have no such problems. We are perfectly fine without males ” , hissed Bluebell
” They do say attached males live longer , perhaps it may just seem longer!! ” sighed Scooty
“Right , are we forgetting why we started this little documentary”, crooned Bluebell who knew she had won.
“Yes” , grumbled Scooty and coughed up a furball .
“You would not believe what he did just the other night , he actually bought this woman home that anybody within a million miles could see that he had no desire or interest for her, why would he do that” , Scooty was getting animated
“You males are all the same , I can tell you why ” , drawled Bluebell
“For god’s sake , please shut up , let me finish talking”
“Because of the one thing that is always topmost on your minds! even an idiot like you should be able to see that. ” hissed Bluebell this time
“I wish that they had hitmen among cats and I could hire one . ” Scooty sighed again
“We do have hitmen for cats , remember ? They are called vets ” snapped Bluebell . “I also seem to remember how terrified you are of them, you could not stop meowing and wishing for Jack” continued Bluebell
“As though you are the catification of bravery, you were so stressed that you shed enough fur to procure a new coat of hair for Jack’s car. He had to go back and get it detailed ” , retorted Scooty unhappily remembering his own painful torture at the hands of these terrorists, he had been prodded ,had a glass tube shoved up his holiest of holies to measure his temperature , stabbed with beastly devices called injections and worse they insisted on fasting so no food . Painful memories!!!
“Must have been some beastly cat karma to have been born as a pet. We get abandoned in this god forsaken place that when he leaves every day . These humans call it work, I am still trying to figure it out . If he is so hard up , why not find a master who can feed him . Might also shed some light for him on how badly he treats us . He comes home and thinks he can feed us and then eat in peace . For god’s sake , we have been alone for 12 hours. We need some pampering and loving , but he seems to look askance when we demand it while he is eating his food . Surely he can wait to eat until he has finished petting us
It is CAT neglect and abuse , the man needs to be carted off to jail and locked up and then the keys to the cell thrown away!!! ” , Scooty gloomily pondered his dreadful fate. Bluebell kicks him in the rear and he wakes up with a start “So anyway yesterday he brings a woman that he could not even bring himself to kiss so I ask why bother bringing her home . So we ” …
“WE!!! ” , interrupted Bluebell . “It was my brainchild”
“Yes , Bluebell had this brilliant epiphany that we needed to document his misadventures and then we could sell it and have enough money to move into that fancy cat hotel that they have in New Jersey .Once we have our royalties , we are so out of here” , continued Scooty smoothly .
“Thats all for today, folks ” , concluded Scooty sleepily and walked into the bedroom where he was going to take his mid afternoon nap.
This time Bluebell checks and makes sure that the coast is clear and lets us in on a secret
“Scooty is the face but I am the brains of the organization, the feline with the plan” , proudly stated Bluebell . ” The female with the plan though truth be told , when was the last time that we had a male with a plan. Maybe Hitler and look at where it got them!! ” , she dryly mused and paused as though searching for better exceptions. She suddenly realizes she was in the midst of a conversation so continues , “If Jack finds out that we are poking fun at his so called life pursuits and he finds out that Scooty was poking fun at him all along, he might just blow his top and decide that Scooty needs a one way ticket to Cat Heaven or the Humane society (which might as well be the same thing ) . But on the other hand if this plan truly works out , me and Scooty would be off to the fancy pants Kitty motel . I heard that they even have spas and masseuses and liver and kidney pie , they have different varieties of fish every day, I might even get lucky and get a taste of dolphin . This silly human tendency to overtly revere intelligence causes them to anthropomorphize Dolphins and go all overboard about Dolphin safe tuna and other such nonsense. It just deprives us kitties of variety in protein sources . If intelligence was so important then they should have stopped eating pigs as well. But what do I care, I love bacon . Maybe I could get dolphin wrapped in bacon … aaaah , that would be the life ” , purred Bluebell contentedly